Commonsense or just plain lunacy...

Life as a, dare I say it, handsome frog? has its everyday ups and downs. Just as I was beginning to assume that the most predatory creature in the garden, was none other than those menacing tatty furballs I see around here almost daily, when Bob, he's a nice man, told me about something that most of you humans would run a mile from, a spider whose bite is as painful as a wasp or bee sting. Yes, this is another thing that has slowly found its way to British gardens due to global warming or climate change, depending upon how you lot want to view it. It's big, it's hairy, and I be afraid of it!! Croak!!! For those with an interest in scientific nomenclature, this spider, Steatoda nobilis is a relative of the Black Widow family.

So, Mediterranean plants and flowers aren't the only things to take a liking to the current climate here. Bob reckons that lots more things, including unpopular creatures of all types and sizes, will one day be commonplace in Britain. I can see that this garden may just become a little unhealthy for me and my fellow amphibians. That is unless these immigrants are good to eat? Ribbit!!!

Moving on, I'd like to say that humans have been warned, but what's the good? Bob says that you lot, including your lazy government, have lost it completely where action against global warming and climate change are concerned. They continually plan for bigger airports, so that lots more of you can fly around a whole lot cheaper than you do at present. The only thing they're doing about climate change, is to talk about it. I've heard that there is a bird that likes to bury its head in the sand when confronted by danger or something it doesn't like, and does so simply to avoid doing what it should do, and that's to do something, or run like the blazes. Well, doesn't this sound a lot like you humans at the moment?

Your government wants to build a lot of nuclear power stations at a few billion each, of course it generally avoids telling you that after their relatively short life span, these power stations will cost around eighty billion 'each' to decommission at today’s prices. They say that the toxic waste will be buried in the ground. Out of sight, out of mind I suppose. Of course, those living anywhere near these repositories in three or four hundred years time will, besides the not so rosy glow they'll all have, be cursing this generation for what you did to them. Did I mention about the fear of these power stations being attacked? Well, this is something that concerns the government a whole lot, and so it should do. Britain is only a tiny group of islands and if the gov's security should fail all of you, Bob reckons that if the land gets contaminated from these power stations being attacked, it would be like the countryside around Chernobyl. He doubts that this country wouldn't have enough free uncontaminated space left, land that is big enough for all of you to live safely on. You humans must press for more of these totally harmless wind farms, (no fall out and no contamination.) Oh! And they wouldn't cost an arm and a leg to have them replaced at the end of their life-span. You should also seriously consider the Severn Barrage, along with any other means of power that comes from the sea. Ribbit!!!

Silly me! I almost forgot. Bob says that those among you who pretend that they care about ecological issues, are totally against the Severn Barrage. They say that it would destroy habitats and kill many species that live on or near the river Severn. Leaping lizards! What the hell do they think is going to happen if you humans don't put an end to this foolish build-up of carbon emissions, you know, the shite you lot keep on chucking into the atmosphere above your heads? How much bloody habitat is going to be lost when the polar ice caps melt, as indeed, they are doing at the present time? This action will change the shape of this country out of all recognition, not to mention the countless flora and fauna that will be destroyed through being inundated with the rising flood of sea water. I didn't mention about the human homes that will be lost when this happens, cos I've already warned you lot about this before. Being humans, you chose to ignore me. Croak!!!

You humans are reaching the point of no return, and to simply ignore what's going on, is to suffer the consequences of your inactions in the not too distant future. Nature, and everything in it, will still be around long after you stupid humans have vanished from the land. Non-human life has always had its way to adapt to its surroundings. We don't need your concerns, nor do we need your pity. If you don't believe what I'm telling you, then start swotting up on how life on this planet has changed since it first began. If you make a balls of this golden opportunity by ignoring the warning signs that are all around you, then you are a very sorry lot indeed. I'm glad I'm a frog. No one can say that I'm stupid... Ribbit!!!

Before I go, I must just say a word or two about a friend who has decided that he has had enough of you humans, Atyllah the Hen. You see, he could see what you humans are like, the way you always think of yourselves and nothing else. Well, he's gone back to his home world in Novapulse, and to be honest, I really don't blame him. His efforts to help you will go down in the annals of history, but then so will the muck that you lot kicked in his face for helping you. Now I'm all alone... unless there's another friend out there willing to help me to put you humans straight? Long live Atyllah the Hen. Ribbit!!!

That's all for this week, so, stay safe and I'll see you all in the garden again real soon. Bye... Ribbit!!!

Froggy

Spring Watching

Being a frog, it's truly heart-warming to know that you humans enjoy watching birds, butterflies and a host of other creatures that I'm proud to call my friends. As pleasing as this little bit of information is, Bob warned me to be on the lookout for a rather eccentric tubby four-eyed creature, otherwise known as the Bill Oddie. This somewhat shy and apparently quite timid creature, is frequently found stalking a variety of woodland, open countryside habitats, streams and lakes where he can be observed carrying a pair of binoculars, or a humongous telescope with which to spy on those such as I, around this time of the year. Occasionally, he is said to be accompanied by a female of your species, a certain Kate Humble. But unlike most females, I have it on good authority that the Oddie rarely allows this female to get a word in edgeways.

Now, although Bob says that he enjoys watching the wonders of nature on his television, he finds it a constant annoyance that the subjects of the Oddie's Spring Watch, very rarely concerns anything other than a boring family of swallows or tits (oops! I said a naughty word.), whereas a friend of his, Simon King is once again being packed off to the back of beyond, the Hebrides. When Bob learnt of this, he nearly blew a gasket, stating that he hopes he's not going to have to endure watching countless Deer for the umpteenth time. Bob wants to casually remind them that there is more to nature than a few birds, deer, otters and the Oddie. Croak!!!

Bob would like to see something about the diversity of wild flowers, or perhaps those humble bumble bees, butterflies and other quite interesting insects. He recalls that he once saw a squirrel playing with a stick. Now this was entertaining and is something he says he's never seen with the Oddie. I told Bob that we frogs have a thing or two that's also worth watching, especially if a few females and a pond are put into the equation. Hey! I don't mind if you want to watch me doing what's natural, after all, I'm aware that most of you humans enjoy getting your kicks by watching the unusual. Ribbit!!!

So mister Oddie, don't be boring the pants off your viewers this year, give them something different for a change and, oh! give Kate the opportunity to speak a bit more than she does, okay? You'll be doing me a favour too, if you would care to consider these changes, because Bob will be a whole lot more cheerful than he's been just lately. He needs cheering up. Croak!!!

That's all for this week and there's not a political outburst to be seen anywhere, so, stay safe and I'll see you all in the garden again real soon. Bye. Ribbit!!!

Froggy

Is it Christmas (Again)?

Here we are at a time of the year that is considered by most humans to be late spring, and yet oddly enough, that is according to Bob, one would think that it was much later and closer to autumn, than anything else. Why? Because on Tuesday, May 15th, Bob saw what must be the earliest signs of Christmas that he has ever seen in his life. That is unless you've come across something a lot earlier? Bob asks me to share the following image with you, just as proof that he, nor I are pulling your leg. I know from what Bob has told me, you do like your celebrations, and to be honest, so do I: The birth of one's offspring, the first flying insect, the first slug of the year, to name but a few. These are all opportunities to celebrate... but Christmas, now? Ribbit!!!







This week, I've decided to talk about the touchy subject of law and order, or rather what you humans see as the current lack of it. Bob kindly explained to me that when he was a boy, I think that's what you humans call one sex of your young, he recalls that where he lived in the south of England, policemen could be seen in incredibly large numbers as they diligently plodded the streets that were their beats. Back then, during the 1940s,50s and 60s, the police spent all of their time fighting crime, or at the very least trying their utmost to prevent it occurring in the first place. Strangely enough, Bob says that if you were to shout out "Police!!!" at the top of your voice, assuming it was because you needed assistance, you'd have had at least two burly police constables breathing heavily down the back of your neck, and long before you realized what had happened. Today, well you'd seriously be wasting your breath... Croak!!!

Now, as a frog I do find that today's attitude to policing to be a bit of a joke. Regardless of the fact that you humans have more police in circulation now, than could ever be seen during Bob's early years, they are about as scarce as finding a ten pound note, or a dog turd free area on the street. It's not that they simply don't exist, although most of you seem to reckon that this is the case, it's that the police dare not go on the streets without that they can sit in a nice comfortable car. This is something they can use to chase other motorists about in, just in case one of you has gone over the speed limit by a few miles per hour. It doesn't seem to matter that some of you are being mugged and robbed at knifepoint on the street, or that some elderly person is being used as a punch bag, if it's not being done inside a vehicle of some kind, then these lazy boys in blue just don't want to know about it. Croak!!!

Where Bob and I live, you'll be lucky if you see a policeman, or woman, on the plod at all, even if you were to stand watching out for one for a whole year. Where are they? I hear you all cry. Why are you humans paying their wages, when you can never find a policeman, woman, right when you desire one the most, which is usually when you're getting seven bells of hell knocked out of you? Croak!!!

Have you ever had to ring for police help? Yes! Then Bob wants to know why it is that if you ring them at night, or in the evening, one of the first things they ask you is: Did you see who did it? Or, Are they still out there? It's as if you had xray vision, or that you sit staring out of your windows as a hobby. And do they think that you're going to be stupid enough to go out and confront someone you haven't even seen, assuming that these assailants have just busted your windows, or shot out those beautiful garden lamps you bought yourself as a treat? Who is daft enough to venture outside under these circumstances? Croak!!! Of course, we frogs are used to seeing what goes on at night, but we're not about to shout about it to all and everyone... cept you lot, that is. Ribbit!!!

Anyway, judging from the amount of crime that goes undetected by the police, I'd be inclined to say that the police are not doing their duty. They should put more emphasis on crime prevention, and by this I mean that they should be seen on the beat. It's right where they belong and doing what they are paid to do, keeping the streets free of crime. It seems that this is just too much trouble for them. Croak!!!

Back to something close to my heart now, the garden where I live. All that rain we've been having lately, has helped turn bare shrubs and trees into a sea of waving green leaves and blossom. The pond is looking exceptionally well, and is providing me with lots of hiding places, no, not from the police! but rather from those frisky furballs that have come around in force again to pester me and my life. My young are growing fast and no doubt will soon become mirror copies of the most handsome of all frogs, yours truly! Ribbit!!!

I'm hopping off around my domain again, so, stay safe and I'll see you all in the garden again real soon. Don't have nightmares. Bye. Ribbit!!!

Froggy

Social Chaos

Bob told me that your local voting campaign went as he had expected, utter chaos I believe?! Ribbit!!! Here is another side of humans that I, as your friendly neighbourhood frog, see as being very strange behaviour indeed among you. All things being supposedly equal, you humans are forever allowing your emotions to rule your hearts and your lives. Why is it that you lot are always making the simplest things in life, so damned difficult? Once again, I'm pretty sure that most of you think that I've gone out of my mind again, but you couldn't be further from the truth. Allow me to explain:

There you all were, and here I speak of it as being regardless of your political persuasion, going through your lives and in the main enjoying the fruits of all your hard labours. Then why in the hell did you lose your cool and go and vote for those Tory and LibDem losers? Have you forgotten already about what happened to the Great in Britain under the biggest Tory dictator of all time, Maggie Thatcher? Croak!!! If Bob recalls it correctly, and I can see that he has a tear in his eye thinking about it, there was incredibly high unemployment in just about every village, town and city throughout the country. Inflation eventually went through the roof! The economy, what was left of it after they had messed around with it, was all but ready for the knackers’ yard. Crime rose at an astronomical level and at an alarming rate. And now it seems that you're willing to have it all return on a whim, Why?

Please allow me to enlighten you about the Tory party: Once a Tory, always a Tory. A Toad never changes its spots, and neither does a Tory. The Tory party are only interested in taking care of their own, and here I'm speaking of the rich and everyone better off than you very obviously think you are. Croak!!!

Bob tells me that lots of you hate Tony Blair for taking your country to war in Iraq along side the US of A. But hey, everyone is allowed to make at least one massive goof up in their lives. So why should that nice mister Blair be any the different, especially as he's given you a completely stable economy. You have low inflation, which means that you lot are able to feed this greedy habit you have for buying up properties here, there and just about everywhere else. You've got the minimum wage, although most of you are earning a darn sight more than this. An on top of everything, most of you have jobs. How many of you now take more than one holiday a year now? A lot more than you could when the Tories were in office I'm sure. And you want to vote Labour out of office??? Geez, have you got a problem! Croak!!!

Well, as a frog who has seen a lot more about life than most of you seem to have, let me tell you what bringing back the Tories will do for you: Those of you who have nice comfortable well paid jobs will more than likely lose them. If you have bought a house or two, or even three, you'll find their values plummet to their very foundations. If you have a mortgage, well... you won't be able to afford it, cos you won't have a dumb job in order to pay for it anyway. Crime, well it will escalate just like it did under their tender care the last time they were in power.

Bob wonders why it is that anyone who is part of the working class, can actually vote for the Tories? I have to admit that it has me completely baffled too. I guess that they are still dumb enough to think that a Tory MP will give a damn about them and their family. Ribbit!!!

Well, since the garden is blooming like never before, and those furballs are nowhere to be seen, I'm going to leap off to enjoy some of its wonderful mysteries. So, stay happy and I'll see you all in the garden again real soon. Ribbit!!!

Froggy

Political Garbage

I guess that by now, you humans are looking at climate change and global warming in a wholly different light? But soon, yes quite soon, I shall be hearing the hideous screams of many of your high pitched voices asking one very important question: Where is the rain? Croak!!! I have to be open here. As a frog, I too need water, though I can go without for far longer than you humans. Ribbit!!!

The weather men have been telling you that water levels in reservoirs, including the underground aquifers, are at an all time high after last year's fiasco. This is all very good! But, if the current period of hot dry weather continues, and without any sign of the good old wet stuff, those damned water companies are going to be screaming along with you too, only they will be ordering you not to use your hosepipes, nor to top up your ponds. Has it never occurred to them, that with the way the climate is changing, it is they who should also change along with it? Shouldn't they provide you with more water resources, and to stop blaming it on the user when things get a bit tough for them? Of course not!! They are far more concerned with giving their scumbag investors huge obscene profits, rather than to actually increase their (your) dwindling water supplies. Croak!!!

Enough about the weather and water. Bob has told me that he is expected to go and vote tomorrow, but since he has sent an email to the party he believes in, they have taken the usual stance and didn't reply to him, he wonders if he should bother voting for them. All this despite that they gave an email address with which to put questions to them (Labour). Sadly, this attitude is a common aspect of all parties, left, right and all of those in-between.

Have you ever wondered why an important issue in your area was never properly addressed, despite that so many of you saw it as being important to you and your town? Well, Bob reckons it's because lots of local councillors don't support the Labour party, therefore, it isn't in their interest to support an action. The same thing will happen no matter who is in office. As long as there is opposition, and there always will be, nothing ever gets done, and you lot, whoever you are, can all go to hell where they are concerned.

Like I once told you, whether you are a politician in government, or on the local council, only one thing, or rather two things are of importance to you. Firstly, the whacking great amounts of money you'll be paid for being in office, along with that big shiny desk. Secondly, the tremendous amount of power the job gives to you. Power and money mixed together equals: Greed and Selfishness!!! Croak!!! It appears that some of you will do almost anything to get one of these jobs, just so long as it doesn't involve doing something useful or constructive for your electorate. Perhaps the rest of you don't believe me? Well, when was the last time you saw any of these greedy gits do something for you? And, I don't count opening your local fete, supermarket, new school or hospital. These things would most likely have taken place regardless. I mean DO something? Croak!!!

What I've just told you, is the reason why there is so much crime on your streets. It's why pensioners get such a raw deal when it comes to the money they have to live on. Oh yes, I can hear some of you saying that they should have saved for their pensions. Well, you smart arse, most of them did! It's just that some robbing ball of slime decided to make it away with their pension fund. How caring is that?

You know what? Before I began to speak to Bob, I didn't realise just how greedy and selfish the human race was. I still haven't been able to understand your obsession with buying as many houses as you can manage. Why? Why do you want to pay two-hundred and fifty-thousand pounds for a paltry pile of bricks and mortar that will most likely soon spiral down to its true value, fifty grand! Ribbit!!! I'll tell you this now, the price of your houses CAN go down as well as up. This means that countless thousands of you, I'm sorry to have to say, are going to end up with NEGATIVE equity, and it's all your damned greedy fault! Ribbit!!!

Well, life as a frog is sounding a whole lot better than I first thought, so, I'm going to go now. Stay happy and I'll see you all in the garden again real soon. Ribbit!!!


Froggy