Feng Shui

Hi everyone,

I've just been talking to the man who lets me live in his wonderful garden. What's all of this nonsense about Pluto not being a planet? Hell, I always thought that Pluto was a dog! Ah well, who cares anyway? We frogs do tell jokes you know. Anyway, as long as I can see what I'm getting up to at night in my incredible pond, the starlight and the music of the wind is all I'll ever need. Well, by now you will have gathered that astronomy is not exactly one of the high points in my life.

Like I was saying... This man who potters around in the garden where I live, he's doing a few jobs around the place. You know the sort of thing I mean, a plant here and a plant there, just to smarten the place up a bit. Of course, I don't mind what he does, just as long as he doesn't touch my furniture. The rocks are okay right where they are, and anyway, I'm not into this feng shui crap. All the same, I am particular where I lay to sun myself... SO DON'T MOVE THAT BLOODY ROCK!!! There, he heard me, bless him. That's the thing about humans, we frogs know how to train them. Soon I'll have him eating out of my hand, you just wait and see.


Sadly, this brings me to the subject of my French cousins. Unfortunately, they recently informed me that they still have to deal with being... eaten! (Croak!!!) It chokes me just thinking about it. Of course, so long as none of you lot start picking up these nasty little habits, yuk!! By the way, I haven't been feeling none too well lately. My local quack advised me to begin some therapy, nothing too strenuous mind you. Well, he's told me to count the legs of a millipede. Crikey! That's going to take me all day... Just one last thing, contrary to popular belief, we frogs can't stand being picked up. Having the smell of humans all over one's body, well, it fair puts the females right off us.


That's all for now, I'll be seeing you...


Froggy

Welcome to my world

Yes, I know that I'm a frog, but let's face it, even a frog like me is entitled to a life, isn't he? I know! I know! It isn't everyday that you'll come into contact with a talking frog, but never mind that for now, let me tell you something about myself.

I'm just an ordinary frog, and being a frog, it does have its perks, honestly! When was the last time that any of you guys were kissed by a really gorgeous-looking woman? Never, I'll bet! Alright, you probably think I'm lying, don't you? Well, let me put you straight on a little unknown fact about us frogs: apart from being handsome, we don't tell lies. Sadly, I have to admit to you that I haven't actually been kissed by a fair maiden, well not just yet anyway. It's funny, but I can read you humans like a book, in fact, I know just what you're going to say next: "How come I think that I'm going to be kissed by some gorgeous chick?" Hey! Like I said, I read books too, you know. Books are full of stories about gorgeous women looking to kiss frogs in the hope that they'll change into a handsome prince. There, I can see that you still don't believe me! You know, you really do have a lot to learn about us frogs.

Take another look at my photo... Come on, admit it, handsome aren't I? It's all down to where I live. One day, I made friends with this man who looks after my home. He provides me with everything a frog like me could need: a really decent pond to lounge around in. Copious amounts of delicious food that continually drops in, or flies close by, as the case may be. There are plenty of comfortable rocks to sun myself on, or big leaves to shelter under when it's raining. And... the most important bit of all, a super garden that seems to go on forever. Wow man! It's paradise, I can tell you.

Of course, life isn't always a bed of roses, not even for frogs. Now, where was I? Ah yes, life... Cats! Trust me when I tell you this, they are a bloody nuisance! Listen, only the other day, this damn great ginger monster leapt down at me from one of these whacking great trees growing around my domain. It didn't catch me though! Us frogs are a whole lot smarter than most seem to think we are. That stupid thundering great cat missed me completely and went headlong straight into the pond. Came out looking like a drowned rat it did. I haven't stopped laughing since. That'll teach him to start messing with the likes of me.

Now, since you all have got me started, let me say something more about where I live. Look at my photo again, no not at me, though I'm flattered that you'd want to look anyway. No, take a look at what I'm sitting on... Yup! It's a cactus. It's one of those things that helps me to scratch an itch where I can't normally manage to reach with my delicate limbs. Very considerate, that's the man who takes care of me. He provides me with all manner of useful things. Oh! By the way, did I tell you that I live here rent free too? I surely do. Just as long as I keep his garden free of pests and things, he really hates creepy-crawlies, he told me that I could stay here as long as I wanted to. Isn't that just the kindest thing? I'd blush right now if I could.

Well, that's about all for now. The night is closing in and I can hear some of them lady frogs a calling to me. Hey, I know that it's usually the male who does the calling, but not me... I've got them lining up for my services. I'll be seeing you.